people seem to just be telling me not to do it but i guess im going to explain why and maybe then you will understand:
I was born in a regional town in north queensland australia, most of the population being mindless idiots, rednecks and white trash. we lived on an island off of the coast with a population of 2000, most of it old people. I had no friends growing up. when I started school, i was teased daily to the point i became fat from comfort eating. then i was homeschooled from 9 till 12. still with no friends, and when i did make a friend, they’d pretend not to know me and continue teasing me.
We lost our house on that island and my mother slumped into a deep depression which in turn made my father suicidal.
We moved to the mainland and i wanted to go to an actual school again. boy was that a dumb desicion. I ended up hurting myself, trying to kill myself, i made friends, lost them, i have one friend from that time whos in a similar situation as me mentally.
I tried changing schools, going to counselling. i was even taken to the police by my father because i had such high suicidal tendencies.
My mother had bipolar through her life and took it out a lot of me and my brother and father, i loved her so much because when she wasnt angry she was amazing. My father was the most sweetest kindhearted man you would’ve ever met.
I dropped out of school after achieving my high school certificate for year 10 because i couldnt bear to stay any longer with how shit i felt. I had friends come and go a lot which really hurt me because i had nothing consistent. i had odd jobs here and there, and then in 2009 i was halfway through an art qualification where we found out my mother was dying of lung cancer. and i was to become her fulltime carer. it destroyed my father, made my younger brother become a drug addict and weakened me considerably. 2 suicide attempts later and a lot of hard work trying to keep my family together and happy, one day in 2011 i woke up to screaming…my father had died in his sleep.
Thats when everything started to really fall apart. for the next few months I cared for my mother who was quickly declining…making sure my brother went to school, dealing with my own demons, i starved myself so my mother could have the food she wanted.
in december 2011, she passed away, leaving me and my brother alone… in a 4 bedroom house with no money. needless to say i lived the whole of 2012 hardly eating, i had things stolen from me, i had internet ‘friends’ that stopped talking to me. my best friend stopped talking to me.
Everything had fallen down. I met shane in early 2012 and honestly, he’s one of the only reasons i’m still alive.
but i’ve come to realize although he loves me, i feel like more of a mother because he was abused as a child and was a wayward person looking for someone to care for him. i could literally be anyone else it doesnt have to be me.
we got kicked out of the house back there, i moved to a capital city and i’m still miserable.
my parents deaths haunt me everynight, im scared i wont have enough money to pay my rent every week because of my brother trying to get drugs all the time. (i’m not trying to make out he’s a bad person but he’s caused a lot of financial difficulty because of his addictions)
Recently in the last few months i’ve purposely sent mean and nasty asks to friends tumblrs so they’d hate me, i’ve done it to 3 so far and my plan worked. they hate me now.
just so they dont suffer when I’m gone
but then again, they never talked to me anymore so I doubt they would’ve noticed.
my life is hell
and i think after you read this, you can acknowledge my right to death.